they say Remus forgave his friends everything; he thinks he forgave them nothing. one of those things is true at any given point in time. he's just not sure which.
-
"But--" Tonks says, "why?"
Why does he have to leave. Remus didn't ask for a child, didn't want a child, and is terrified of the consequences. He picks up the same suitcase that Fabian helped him pack when he moved out of Sirius's flat the first time. Tonks is six months pregnant, and Remus can't stay here anymore.
"It's not because I'm, I'm not."
She doesn't finish the sentence, and Remus is glad. Clasps done up with a battered, weary 'click'. He tells her, "no, of course not," because it's true - if Sirius had wanted a family he would have run, as well.
Tonks looks down at the table. Her hair is still pink, and Remus thinks about how women use babies to get over grief. Thinks about Harry, telling him off for running away from his family, telling him James would have wanted him to stay with the child. But Harry is only seventeen years old and doesn't know the first thing about his father, because James left Lily and the baby for weeks at a time, if he had to.
"I'm going to start in Sussex," he tells Tonks impulsively. "In case anyone asks." Probably no one will ask, since Dumbledore is dead and Harry is incommunicado. an underground cell works better with a driving force, and both of theirs are gone.
"You're going to kill her," Tonks says. She doesn't ask. Tonks has never killed anyone, wizard or otherwise.
Remus nods, but corrects her, "I'm going to try."