So this was hell.
She'd thought it was the part about getting her sister a girlfriend; maybe the nun in a barrel, or even going slightly (slightly, *hah*) manic in front of the boy she liked. All those things had definite hellish qualities about them - looked like hell, felt like hell, had even smelled a bit like brimstone. But now Jaye knew better. Hell was a wax lion and his newly acquired evil genius partner, plastic reindeer, singing "silent night", off-key.
"it was a silent night, until you started *singing*." Jaye gritted her teeth, sat up. Obviously she wasn't going to sleep, oh no. The World had other plans.
For what felt like the thousandth time, they started up with "silent night, holy night, mmm mmm mm..." The problem wasn't so much the song, or the fact that it was three in the morning, or even that their voices were painfully flat. Sadly, Jaye had got used to all of that by now. The problem, as she stood up and started looking for something to throw, was that they only knew half the *words*.
"Is this to punish me?" she asked desperately. "For not going to church? Because I'll go to church if you want me to. I'll pray. I'll even make Eric come, if you'll just shut *up*."
They paused. Jaye halted, a sock held above her head. The plastic reindeer said, "give him a gift."
"Aren't you supposed to be above commercialism, or something?" As the wax lion took a breath, Jaye held her hands out, hastily adding, "no, no - a gift. I can do that." A pause, and she asked, "any idea what he wants?"
-
"I have to get you a gift." Jaye kissed Eric, and sighed. "So you'd better fess up now, or you'll end up with one of those hand-juicer things. There's a 2 for 1 at the gas station."
Eric smiled, and leaned on the bar. "Believe it or not," he replied, "I already have a juicer." Off her look, he added, "Wedding present. Heidi didn't want it."
"Ah. Well. Now I'm stumped."
Instead of answering, Eric asked, "what do you want for Christmas?"
Jaye shrugged - what could you get someone that espoused trailer park living and didn't like the holidays, aside from the falls being frozen? "Anything," she said, and then, glancing at the table where the plastic reindeer was shoved into a festive centrepiece, she amended, "anything without a face. If it looks like it could talk, tell you off, or boss you around, I'm out."
"Okay."
"But seriously," Jaye said, leaning forward, "let's get down to business. Present. What?"
Eric kept smiling, in that sweet way he had that Jaye knew meant he'd come up with some incredibly romantic line that was probably completely useless to her. "Surprise me."
She muttered, "great."
-
It was almost closing, Eric had to be done soon. Really. The guy with his never-ending chilli fries and pitchers of cheap beer was going to fall off the stool if he didn't hoof it soon.
Hoof it. Cute. Jaye stared at the plastic Rudolf. "You may not know it, but you're fashioned after a famous reindeer, you know. The most famous reindeer of all, even." Maybe those last two martinis hadn't been such a great idea. The reindeer was swaying back and forth gently. Jaye slumped against her hand, and decided not to worry about trying to figure out whether it was her or the reindeer that was swaying. "Any suggestions for what exactly I should get Eric?" she asked it. "Tie? Aftershave?" The reindeer stared back. Jaye muttered, "he's already got a juicer, I'm fresh out of ideas."
"Y'know, every time I see you talking to something that can't talk back I worry more and more you actually expect it to answer."
And there was the girl who'd given her those last two martinis. Jaye eyed the reindeer, and told Majandra, "It's being a bitch."
Majandra cocked an eyebrow, wearing the look that Jaye had started to become depressingly familiar with. "Uh huh. And what do you want it to say?"
"I want it to tell me what to buy Eric for Christmas." Jaye swivelled around, to face her. "Where's your honey?"
Majandra looked even more worried, and actually reached her palm out to check Jaye's forehead. "You mean *Aaron*?"
"Yeah. I need a man's advice."
"For Eric's Christmas gift? Don't bother," Majandra told her instantly. "All he'd say is buy him a book or do a strip tease."
Jaye glared at the reindeer. "Ew," she said, and then picking it up, told it, "I'm holding you accountable for that statement."
Majandra took her elbow, steering Jaye carefully to the door. "I thought you didn't do gifts, anyway," Majandra asked.
Jaye stared hopelessly at the reindeer in her hand. It was quite possible the damned thing knew half the words to every Christmas carol on record. She looked up at Majandra, and opened her mouth to explain all about her personal radio station that she couldn't turn off, not even by giving everything away to Aaron or trying to flush them all down the toilet, which really had just been that once and the payback had been a bitch, anyway. Majandra looked at her, expectantly and also a little like Jaye was mental. Jaye sighed. Instead, she replied, "I'm trying something new."
-
As predicted, Aaron had nothing. He did go as far as to say, "my bet is Eric's an epics man. Long, heroic, dangerous, weighty. He's definitely an epics man. And playboy bunny."
-
Sharon was slightly more help, and offered to take Jaye to the antiques mall, a custom furniture gallery, and a jeweller, all in quick succession. "He's a rosewood man, I bet. And gold." Sharon even offered to lend Jaye the money to get Eric a ring or an end table, but the reindeer stared at her, disapproving, until Jaye made her escape.
"Give him a gift," the reindeer insisted, and wriggled his red nose at her. Jaye put a sock over it; the red light bulb in the nose shone through like a beacon from one of those tacky 80s videos with Satan.
-
About the time that the sixth little kid spat in the fountain and the ninth irate mother slammed her in the back with a shopping bag full of bricks just because she swore in the check-out line, Jaye officially called the mall a bust.
"So now what?" she said, putting the plastic reindeer in the broken cup-holder somewhat attached to her dashboard. "I couldn't find Eric *anything*.
The reindeer stared.
"Is it really that necessary to give tokens of one's affection for another human being?" Jaye turned the car on, and the reindeer stared. "Eric knows I care about him, I don't have to prove it with something red and green, do I?" Jaye backed out of the parking space, narrowly missing a woman and her shopping cart full of crap, and the reindeer stared at her. "What should I do?"
The reindeer said, "get some help."
-
The town had to have like, thirty eight churches in it, and if she could help it Jaye avoided going into all of them. Her mother calling on the twenty-fourth of December meant that her family was going to attempt to thwart this goal. As soon as she answered, Jaye regretted it. She said, "I can't go."
"But Jaye, it's Christmas. We Tylers always go to church."
Jaye gave her the first excuse to come to mind - not difficult when there was a plastic reindeer staring at her from her kitchen counter. "I have to get Eric a present still. I couldn't find anything at the mall today."
Her mother clucked her tongue. "Oh, Jaye. He doesn't want you to buy something. He wants something of you."
Jaye hung up, and noticed the reindeer nodding its head, looking pleased. She threw a spoon at it.
-
Christmas Eve, Eric came in without knocking, and immediately handed over a wrapped box and a bottle of wine. "For you," he said, and sat down, smiling up at Jaye. "Merry Christmas."
Jaye flopped down beside him. "I hate the holidays."
"Family fun?" he asked.
Jaye turned to face Eric, sighing. "I still don't have anything for you." She could see the plastic reindeer tapping its hoof. "Aaron said you'd want a striptease, and my mother said you'd want something 'of myself', whatever *that* means," she went on, and then added quickly, "but I'm really not that interesting and I don't have a dancer's pole so I'm stuck."
Eric blinked, and said, "striptease?"
The plastic reindeer was still tapping its foot; and Jaye could hear the wax lion humming Jingle Bells along to the radio. She said, "it's all their fault, anyway. If they hadn't--" and then she stopped, and looked at Eric, and amended, "never mind."
"Whose fault?"
The reindeer looked pleased, and nodded his head, nose glowing. The wax lion watched her expectantly with its smushed face. Jaye told Eric hopelessly, "the reindeer. If it hadn't told me to get you a present I wouldn't have worried about it so much. And then the lion got involved and it all went to hell."
Eric blinked again. "The reindeer."
Jaye pointed, hesitantly, at the plastic reindeer sitting on her counter. Eric followed her gaze, blinked again, and then Jaye asked, "are you going to have me committed and never come to see me again?"
"I would absolutely," Eric said, taking her hand, "come to see you if I had you committed."
"Great," and then Jaye searched his face, looking for some sign of fear or horror or confusion, or any of the other reasonable reactions Eric could be having to her saying inanimate objects gave her instructions.
Instead, Eric nodded, once, and said, "you did say you might be certifiably insane when we first met, remember? I took you at your word." Then he started grinning. He added, "So you weren't even going to try to get me something if the reindeer hadn't told you to?"
Jaye smiled, slowly. "I would have totally gone for the juicer."