About the fourth or fifth time it happened, Eddie had it down to a science - carefully rolled Fiona off his arm, who immediately gravitated to the wall, slide down and disentangle Pippin's legs, and maneuver down until he hit the foot of the bed. This time it was almost easy. Fiona rolled over, farther away from the indent where Eddie had been laying, and Pippin stretched out, curling himself more around the blankets. One naked hip was poking out, as well as Pippin's left foot.
"That's it," Eddie muttered, as he dressed. "No more Christmas parties."
--
Fiona jumped on the phone before it finished the first ring. "Nigel?" Pause. "But then I--" Another pause, and Fiona started to frown, the frown that meant she was trying to decide whether to be actually angry, or just angry because she thought she should be. Eddie turned up the volume on the TV a bit, and she raised her voice to match. "But what am I going to--" Definitely angry, then. "Fine."
She turned to Eddie. "Do you have a suit?"
He stared at her blankly. "What?"
Fiona put her hands on her hips, as if he should - of course - know what was going on, and - of course - he was acting dumb just to be difficult. "Do you have a suit?"
Eddie stood, reluctantly. "Why? Are you going to a cross-dresser's party? Nigel has lots of suits."
"No!" Fiona flopped on the couch. "Nigel's cancelled our plans tonight, and now I have a Christmas party to go to and no escort." With terrible clarity, Eddie’s thoughts snapped into focus as he realized what, exactly, she wanted him to do.
-
So that was the start of it. They had a lot of eggnog, and Eddie spilled dip all over one of the girls that worked with Fiona, and around midnight they were under the mistletoe and then in a dark corner. But it was nothing, barely groping in the cab. Hardly worth mentioning.
-
"So why'd you mention it?"
Eddie felt his face get hot. He replied defensively, "because! I figured you would know the etiquette for this kind of thing. What do I do now?"
Pippin eyed Eddie over his cup of tea. "That's it. That's the reason." Eddie nodded. "You asked me over to talk to me, while Fiona was at work, and even offered me biscuits to just mention something that doesn't even matter."
"They're Fiona's cookies."
"yeah," Pippin replied, and then, "you realize you're hopeless, don't you?"
-
"Come on you two, we're going to a real Christmas party."
No sooner had Eddie protested the lack of a wedding ring than Pippin produce two spares from a pocket. In the car on the way to pick up Pippin's fake wife, Eddie muttered, "you planned this."
"This?" Pippin asked innocently. "Oh, the--no, actually. Well, yes, I'd planned to take you tonight."
In the rearview window, Fiona smiled, mouth full of big, white teeth. "Planned what, exactly?"
Pippin murmured, "this? Is bad etiquette."
-
So of course, there was red and green Jello shooters, and Eddie got to see Pippin naked, and maybe they passed out for a while with no clothing on. Technically, nothing happened. In the biblical sense.
-
"So will you ask her?" Pippin asked.
"Will I what?"
"You'd better, because that boyfriend of hers is likely to ask her to marry him any day now. And she'll say yes, the stupid girl."
Eddie sighed. "Oh." He turned to Pippin - a rather difficult feat under the circumstances, or rather, under the stairs they were currently crouched, waiting for the 'go' order - and replied, "would you knock it off already?"
"I just mean to say that if you don't get in there properly, as it were, you might never be able to--"
The radio buzzed, and they got the 'go' order. Eddie sprung up, and muttered, "thank god."
-
The Superintendent wasn't pleased. He sat down, and steepled his fingers, each impeccable nail tapping against another impeccable nail. His legs were perfectly crossed. He said, "the two of you are off-duty tomorrow."
Eddie winced. He'd been hoping this was just about the resources they'd appropriated last week without the right requisition work, but clearly this was worse. "Actually, Nathaniel, I have a lot of--"
"No, Arlette. You are off-duty tomorrow night." The Superintendent sat up a little straighter, and carefully placed his hands down - the closest he ever got to slamming his fist on the desk. "I know you are not going back to America for the holidays," the Superintendent added. "So you are coming to the Scotland Yard party tomorrow night."
"I really was planning to just sit at home, maybe watch some football on satelli--"
"You too, Inspector Pippin."
The Superintendent stood up, pulled his suit jacket down. Pippin, who'd been grinning beside Eddie, started to say, "It's not really my kind of--"
As the Superintendent called out, "Miss Moneypenny! Get them their invitations." To Eddie and Pippin, he added, "Formal wear *is* required."
-
"Payback's a bitch, baby."
"If you think I'm going anywhere with you--"
"You've got twenty minutes, Fiona." Eddie stuck his arm out, her black dress dangling from the hanger in his hand. "Go get ready."
She glared at him, but snatched the hanger. "You're paying for the taxi."
-
So that time, they actually did end up at Eddie and Fiona's flat, and that time, they actually ended up all naked, and all on the living-room floor. Somewhere in the back of Eddie's mind, a voice was screaming about what a bad idea this was going to turn out to be, but it wasn't nearly loud enough.
The next morning, Pippin cheerfully drank a pot of tea and ate three pieces of toast with marmalade, saying only, "you two, what you need is a catalyst. That's me, baby," and then, "oh, and Audry's sister's husband has a party tonight. Christmas Eve, very swank, huge house." He sipped his tea. "Estate, really. I'll drive."
-
Really, Eddie thought as he got dressed as quietly as humanly possible, the key was slow moves. Slow moves, make the other person - people - whatever - move themselves so you can get up. He was horrified as well as astonished to realize he was getting used to it.
Fiona opened one eye, and said, "Merry Christmas." Eddie couldn’t help but smile. He wasn’t sure if it was because her hair was standing on end or not.