1. Whatever Lola
wants, Lola gets.
What AJ wants to know is, when did Aaron fucking Carter turn
into Lolita?
He can still remember Nick at that age, all long limbs and
blond hair and pouty lips, but that was different. Nick never tried to be sexy;
he just was, even at fourteen. He’s
all long limbs and sweet hugs, and he always seems surprised to know that
someone wants him, even now. The innocent little fuck. AJ can still remember
Nick crawling into bed with him because he was young and lonely, and the
resulting sleepless hours, trying to decide whether to get up and jerk off in
the bathroom or just go to sleep hard, risking an unfortunate wet dream
incident. Nick sleeps curled around people like a fucking
octopus.
But Aaron’s different. He might be the same age as Nick was,
but he’s so much more aware. He moves
with a languid grace instead of the awkward, coltish gait Nick used to have, and
his eyes are hooded and direct where Nick’s were shy and sweet. Also, he fucking
lounges all over everything, even
Nick. Not like a kid, but like he knows what he’s doing—head thrown back on
Nick’s shoulder, exposing the pale length of his neck, one hand loosely cupped
between spread thighs, bare toes just barely touching the ground.
Come to think of it, he acts more like Nick now than Nick then.
Because Nick has grown into his body, and somebody flicked
the switch from a pure glow to a molten gold light, but where it took Nick years
to become that, this, whatever he is
now, Aaron seems to have shifted from wide-eyed little boy to smirking twink in
the blink of an eye, and its kind of disturbing.
AJ would bemoan the effect on the industry on the sexuality
of show kids if he didn’t find Aaron so fucking hot.
2. Back up, boy, I
ain’t your toy, or your piece of ass.
AJ is starting to think the kid is stalking
him.
He doesn’t know how, but somehow Nick managed to get Aaron
into the club, and now everywhere he looks he sees a boy who’s too short, too
thin, too young to be there, grinding on the dance floor with a woman twice his
age, head thrown back. Strobe lights glinting off the glitter on his cheeks.
No fourteen-year-old should own leather pants.
AJ finally gives up when Aaron slips up next to him and
starts dancing, eyes shut, wet mouth slipping open, looking for all the world
like a barely teenage rent boy. Its time for a drink.
But Aaron even follows him to the bar. He plops himself down
on the stool next to AJ and has the balls to order a screwdriver, and the
bartender actually brings him one. He only takes it away when AJ glares at him
darkly and pushes the glass back, growling, “Bring him a Shirley Temple. And
make mine a coke.”
Aaron scowls at him but drinks it, plucking out the cherry
with his fingers and sucking it into his mouth. “I can tie cherry stems with my
tongue. Wanna see?”
“No.”
The kid shrugs and turns back to his drink. AJ could swear
that he’s wrapping his lips around the straw like that on purpose. “You’re
really boring at clubs, you know that?”
“And you’re really fucking underage at clubs, so I would quit
bugging me in case I get the sudden urge to attract the bouncer’s
attention.”
“Whatever. The last thing you need right now is to be caught
at a bar. With a fourteen-year-old. In leather pants. And a boy,
too.”
Apparently sensing that there was about to be a horrible
case of child abuse in the form of AJ smacking Aaron upside the head, Nick shows
up, wrapping his arms around Aaron from behind. “He bugging you?”
“Yes,” AJ and
Aaron say in unison. AJ glares at the kid, but he just smiles back sweetly,
sipping his cherry-red drink.
Nick laughs and pulls Aaron from his seat. “I’ll take him off
your hands,” he says, grinning conspiratorially at AJ, and then he and Aaron
disappear into the sea of glitter and blond hair and golden skin.
Later AJ catches sight of them and they’re still dancing only
with each other, hands on each other’s identical leather-clad
hips.
3. Ooh, I want you, I
don’t know if I need you, but ooh, I’d die to find out.
AJ can handle wanting Nick. He has for a long time—since they
met, really—which is kind of sick, since Nick had been thirteen then, but AJ had
only been fifteen. He’d wanted to kiss Nick’s soft pink mouth and put his hand
down Nick’s pants to see what noises he could get Nick to make, the groaning
noises he made when he stretched or the soft little moans he emitted when
someone gave him a backrub.
He and Nick have shared buses and hotel rooms since then, and
everyone’s heard him fuck Mandy—even
Aaron, who’d sat next to AJ with his fingers in his ears and his little face
screwed up in an expression of disgust last time it happened. AJ didn’t blame
him. The point is, now he knows the sounds Nick makes when he comes. Still, he
wonders what extra little musical sounds he could coax out if Nick if given the
chance.
He wants Nick now, and its okay, comfortable. Much easier to
ignore than it was before. AJ had always wanted to get there first, to be the
first to have his tongue in Nick’s mouth and his hands on Nick’s cock and his
fingers in Nick’s ass. But Nick was like his little brother, and Kevin would
have killed him, but only if Brian didn’t get to him first. He still regrets not
being able to show Nick the ropes, so to speak, but its okay now, because it’s
so much easier to want Nick now. It’s lust and it’s love and it’s want, but its
no longer a burning need in his
stomach.
Wanting Nick is easy now.
Wanting Aaron is hard, though, and wanting Nick and Aaron is fucking killing him. He
feels deeply, deeply perverted, which is usually okay. He’d long thought that AJ
McLean had fully embraced all his perversions, but that’s apparently not the
case. Nick and Aaron are beautiful, together and apart, and okay, yes. When he
sees their heads inclined towards each other in a whisper, he can’t help but
think that their lips touching would be, God. Gorgeous.
And yes, when he sees their hands on each other, he can’t
help but think that them touching each other would be, God. So hot.
4. Touch me, babe. Let
me show you that I am not afraid.
Nick and Aaron touch a lot, and not just in his imagination,
either. AJ had thought that by fourteen and twenty-one, brothers would have
grown apart, at least the kind of apart where the fourteen-year-old doesn’t curl
up on the twenty-one-year-old’s lap for a nap.
But no. Aaron still naps sprawled all over Nick, and still
hugs him and jumps all over him constantly, and even tilts his head up every
night for a goodnight kiss, eyes closed, swanlike neck outstretched. They used
to kiss each other on the cheek, but for the past year or so they’ve kissed each
other on the mouth, just a quick meeting of barely open pink
lips.
At first AJ thinks he’s crazy for noticing something so
innocent, so minimal, but then he sees the way Brian looks at them. Brian
watches them the same way AJ does, but at least AJ has his sunglasses as a
shield. Everything shows in Brian’s eyes, even if it can’t always be
interpreted.
When Brian looks at them, there’s always an extra little
spark of heat in his eyes, a heat AJ can’t remember seeing even when Brian’s
with his wife. It’s familiar, and a little scary, because it’s Brian. But still, AJ would approach him
for it, if the heat wasn’t mixed with such fear, and such resigned
pain.
AJ isn’t afraid, and he’s not in pain. He just wants, and it
fucking sucks.
5. Underneath your
clothes, there’s an endless story.
AJ wakes up from a nap in the green room of some morning show
to find Aaron next to him, tracing his tattoos with soft fingers and fascinated
eyes. No one else is paying any attention to them, too wrapped up in their own
conversations, though AJ swears he sees Nick glance over at them every few
seconds, look unreadable.
Aaron is still dragging his fingers lightly over the inside
of AJ’s arm, but this time his eyes, hot and direct, are on AJ’s own. He licks
his lips red and saliva-wet, and AJ just knows he’s doing this on
purpose.
When AJ’s voice finally comes, by some miracle of God it’s
only as hoarse as it usually is. “Why don’t you go play with Nick’s
tattoos?”
The kid shrugs, but reluctantly pulls his fingers away. “I’ve
seen all his.”
Aaron’s eyes meet AJ’s with an amused flicker of eyelid, and
AJ has to close his eyes against all the implications of that.
6. I am in love with
you, and it is no fun.
AJ knows he’s not crazy when he sees Howie watching them,
or more accurately, watching Nick. Howie has always been the most observant one,
especially when it comes to Nick.
Its not a very well-kept secret that Howie is in love with
Nick. He’s always there, ready to give up a date with a new boy or a friend or
even his family if Nick really needs him, and sometimes even when he doesn’t.
But like Brian and Kevin, Howie can’t look past the way Nick used to be, that
innocence, that sweetness. Nick isn’t innocent anymore.
When Howie looks at Nick and Aaron, sometimes its like he
doesn’t even see the younger boy. Just Nick, happy and loving and loved. With
someone who’s not Howie. But AJ knows something is going on when Howie talks to
Mr. Carter about keeping Aaron on tour for another leg. Howie had done that with
Mandy too, even though he couldn’t even bring himself to talk to her, just
because he knew it would make Nick happy.
AJ would feel bad about wanting Nick, who Howie so
obviously loves, if he didn’t love Nick so much, too.
Its fucking weird, is what it is. He and Howie and Brian,
all in the same boat, and Nick completely oblivious. He’s starting to wonder
when Kevin’s going to get in on it.
7. I don’t feel too
strange for you.
Nick corners him at a party and asks him if he loves Aaron
right next to the speakers. AJ is pretty sure he’s hearing things, so he asks
Nick to repeat himself. “Huh?”
Nick leans down and yells in his ear, “You love Aaron, right?
Like you love me?”
And the answer to that is yeah, but since he doesn’t really want
to give away exactly what the extent of that love is, he settles for, “Nick,
what is your current dysfunction?”
“Augh.” Nick rolls
his eyes and starts dragging AJ away from the speaker, away from the party, away
from all the nice single blonde girls he could be hooking up with. Its not that
he doesn’t want to be alone with Nick in a small room (with a couch, to boot)
but he has a feeling Nick doesn’t have in mind the same things AJ
does.
“You have to have sex with Aaron.”
Unless he does. “What? I—I think I’m hearing you wrong,
Nick.”
“You have to fuck Aaron.”
No…that’s still the same thing. Fuck. “Still just a little
confused here.” AJ’s trying to tread carefully, but he’s pretty sure that he did just hear Nick request that AJ screw
his little brother. Twice.
“You have to. He
wants to lose his virginity, and if its not you then he’ll go out and do it with
someone else, someone he doesn’t know who doesn’t know him, and God. They might
hurt him.” Nicks eyes are pleading. “He knows you, AJ, he trusts you. I trust you.” He looks down at the
floor, and when he looks back his eyelashes are spiky with tears. “I…can’t. He
asked me to, but I can’t. I was already his first kiss, and I won’t—won’t let
his whole adolescent sex life be wrapped up in his big brother.”
And its then that he knows.
Shit, he had thought that he’d known, had fantasized, maybe,
but—he hadn’t really expected it to be true, not really. He’d known something was up, but still. Nick
actually talking about it, Nick talking about kissing Aaron and touching Aaron
and wanting to fuck Aaron, Aaron asking him to fuck him— “You and
Aaron.”
“Yeah.” Nick’s voice is defensive, guarded. “Don’t act like
you didn’t know, AJ. I’ve seen you watching us.”
And that gives AJ a hot spark of guilt, because he has been
watching, and he has been thinking and he has been fantasizing. But that was
just his fucked up dick doing the thinking for him, turning lust into fantasy.
This is real life, and his only defense is to attack Nick where he’s weakest.
“He’s your fucking brother, Nick.
He’s fourteen.”
“Fuck you! Don’t you fucking act like this, AJ, and don’t
pretend to have some sort of moral objection to us.” Nick’s face almost
crumbles, almost cracks under the pressure of the pain in his eyes. But Nick
doesn’t cry. Nick never cries. “I’m all he has. He’s all I have.”
“You have us!” AJ explodes. “You have us, your boys.”
Nick sniffs, wiping his nose with his sleeve. “That’s
different.”
“It so isn’t, Nick. It isn’t,” AJ says, laying a hand on
Nick’s face. Can’t help but smile a little. “We’re your brothers,
too.”
And Nick smiles, and breathes, and all of a sudden there’s no
tension between them, no hurt, just the heat of AJ’s hand cupping Nick’s cheek.
When Nick speaks, he brings a hand up to hold AJ’s in place, and his lips just
barely brush against AJ’s palm. His breath is a hot puff of air. “So, you want
Aaron.”
“Yes.” It just seems stupid to hide is now. Nick is way more perverted than he
is.
“And you want me.” He wouldn’t even have to look to know that
Nick’s smiling, because he can feel the curve of it beneath his hand. But he is looking, and Nick’s eyes are glowing
right at him.
“Yes.”
Nick steps closer to him, and dips his head to whisper, “You
got a thing for young blonds, or what?”
AJ groans and leans into Nick’s chest, dropping his hand to
curl around the nape of Nick’s neck. “I feel like Humbert fucking
Humbert.”
Nick laughs into his hair, and AJ thinks that maybe
perversion is a good thing.
8. Feels like
breaking.
When they get to Nick’s house, everything is still and quiet
except for AJ, who feels like he’s strumming out of his skin, like his heartbeat
is as loud as the engine of his car. On the drive there he had time to think,
and he knows this is a bad idea. He knows it. He’ll never be able to look at
Nick again, and Aaron will grow up all fucked up and hate him forever, and he’ll
hate himself for popping the cherry of a 14-year-old boy and supporting some
freaky incest.
He’d already known that he’s going to hell, so this is just
overkill.
Still, he doesn’t turn back, and when he gets there, Nick is
waiting for him in the living room, and his smile is so grateful and so happy
that AJ couldn’t possibly change his mind. Besides, he’s Nick, and he’s
beautiful, and AJ loves him. Loves Aaron, because that’s just like loving Nick.
Nick and AJ walk up the stairs carefully, slowly, in the
dark, and AJ knows that Nick is giving him more time to think it over, more time
to back out, but he doesn’t. Can’t, not after seeing the look on Nick’s face and
watching him climb the stairs, the lines of his ass beneath his jeans. Up in
Nick’s bedroom, all the lights are off, and the TV is on, humming softly and
throwing blue light over the boy on the bed. He’s awake, and his lips and eyes
glisten wetly in the darkness.
When he sees them, standing together in the doorway, he
hitches in a shocked breath, and AJ is suddenly dismayed, scared to death that
Aaron doesn’t want him. Scared that he was just bluffing to get Nick to fuck
him, or because he never thought it would actually happen.
But then he grins, and reaches over to turn on the light,
switching off the TV at the same time. He’s shirtless, probably already naked
under the covers, and he glows a pale gold against the white sheets.
“Hi.”
“Hi,” AJ says, still tense.
Aaron motions him over to the bed and he goes, sitting next
to Aaron on the side of the bed, afraid to touch this golden child. It’s Aaron
who initiates the first touch, taking AJ’s shades and putting them on the
bedside table, running his fingers through AJ’s short hair. It feels good, like
being petted, and when Aaron leans over and kisses him, it feels like breaking.
9. With your cherry
lips and golden curls…
Later, he remembers it as a series of images and sensations.
The cherry-red of Aaron’s mouth wrapped around his cock, the same color as the
Shirley Temple from that night months ago. The thought that Aaron’s skin was
like butter, warm and golden and melting so perfectly beneath his hands and in
his mouth. The tiny wince on Aaron’s face when he was finally inside, the heat,
the soft little moans when he finally hit what he was looking for. The way he
laughed, just before he came.
And Nick. Nick by the side of the bed, watching, breathless.
The look on his face, fascinated and a little scared, a little hurt, and the
smile on his face when Aaron reached out a hand for him and said, “Nick.
Nick.”
The way they finally looked when they kissed. The sight of
slick pink tongues, hands buried in each other’s hair, sliding over each other’s
butter-soft bodies. Love and love and love, and nothing else really
mattered.
The way Nick tasted when he finally, finally leant over and
kissed AJ, the heat and the sweetness of him. The little moans he made, just the
way AJ had imagined.
10. So wrong that its
right.
AJ knows that for the three of them, it was just this one
time, but he also knows that for Nick and Aaron, and himself and Nick, and even
himself and Aaron, maybe, this is far from the last time. And that kind of makes
all the stuff he’s done that’s wrong feel right.
1. “Whatever Lola Wants (Lola Gets)” from Damn Yankees!, 2. “Respect” by Pink, 3. “I Want You” by Savage Garden, 4. “Touch Me” by the Doors, 5. “Underneath Your Clothes” by Shakira, 6. “Dilate” by Ani Difranco, 7. “Rescue Me” by Madonna, 9. “Cherry Lips (Go Baby Go!)” by Garbage