characters property of JK Rowling. I'd also like to take this opportunity to formally apologize to Franz Kafka.
The Metamorphmagosis
by bow.
Note: to read the badfic summary this fic is based on, please
scroll to the bottom. Things will probably make more sense that way.
As Remus Lupin woke from unsettling dreams after the full moon, he found
himself transformed in his bed into a monstrous lizard. He lay on his
scaly back, and when he raised his head a little, he saw Snape looming
over him, teeth bared and looking murderous.
“You cretin,” spat Snape. “I’ll tell you what’s happened to you. All those fumes from whatever you’ve been burning during those necromancy sessions got into your bloodstream and interfered with the wolfsbane. There were--side effects.”
“Side effects?”
“Yes, side effects. You have become a were-velociraptor. You couldn’t have guessed that on your own? Apparently your mental faculties have been downgraded to match your pea-sized brain.” Snape grimaced. “And I have worse news.”
“Worse than that?”
“Much worse.” Snape looked sallower than usual. “The necromancy,” he choked out. “It--worked.”
“Sirius is back?” Remus sat up in bed, clenching the coverlet between his forefeet. “No, Snape, you can’t allow him to see me like this! I always dreamt our reunion would be grand and glorious and epic, and, well--” Remus swallowed and gazed down at his claws. “I’m not really in top form right now. Run and lock the door! Don’t let him in!”
“Oh, don’t worry, Lupin,” sneered Snape. “He’s not exactly rushing in here. He--”
“Hey! And why is that? Why isn’t he beating down the door to thank me? Nothing says ‘thank you’ like a kiss with a lot of tongue, you know.”
Snape closed his eyes. “I do not need to be hearing this.”
Remus bolted out of the bedroom, tail whipping around behind him. He found Sirius locked in the bathroom and, when Sirius refused to let him in, tore through the door with his claws.
“Prospero and Sycorax,” they gasped together, “what happened to you?”
Remus winced. Sirius was wearing an ill-fitting brown suit with a pocket protector, of all things. Affixed to his lapel was a yellow badge that read, “Paleontologists do it for millions of years!”
Sirius grumbled. “Near as I can figure, I’ve devoted my life to the study of fossils and prehistoric times. I don’t want to talk about it.”
Remus pointed to Sirius’s lapel. “At least you’ve kept your sense of humor.”
“Bugger off!” Sirius ripped off the badge and threw it to the ground. “I am cool. I own a motorbike! I do not carry around a graphing calculator at all times! Oh, Circe preserve us, am I balding?” He put his head between his legs and took a couple deep breaths. “How is this happening to me?”
“Oh, dear.” Remus looked down at his feet, tapping his claws against the bathroom tile. “I must have messed up the chants during the ceremony. I was pretty nervous, after all. Maybe when I was describing you, I said something along the lines of ‘likes lizards and big rocks’ instead of ‘likes wizards with big cocks’?”
“I repeat, I do not need to be hearing this!” called Snape from the bedroom.
“Anyway,” continued Remus, “it’s hard to say. There were a lot of fumes from all those candles and herbs I had to burn, and it got pretty hazy at times. Rotten luck, mate. I take full responsibility.”
Sirius pushed his glasses up the bridge of his nose. “That’s a small comfort to me!”
Remus sighed. “I’m sorry. I should have been more careful while attempting to bring you back through the Veil.”
“And I’m sorry, too,” said Sirius. “Mostly about the glasses. I look hideous in glasses!”
“You do. But you’re back, more or less, and that’s the important thing.” They moved toward each other and embraced, which was as grand and glorious and epic as the circumstances allowed.
Remus’s eyes darted from Sirius to the bedroom door and back again. “So what do we do now?”
“There’s only one thing for it.”
“I quite agree.” Remus flashed a toothy smile and stalked silently into the bedroom.
“Excellent work, Moony. Oh, well done, my Cretaceous friend.” Sirius leaned against the doorframe and watched as Remus devoured Snape. “For such a small dinosaur, you were able to wolf him down quite quickly. No pun intended, of course.”
“Thank you for the compliment, Padfoot.” Remus brought the coverlet to his mouth and wiped the blood delicately from his chin. “What are you staring at me like that for?” he asked. “Are you appraising my nubile young body and thinking that it’s time to find me a good husband?”
“Oh, so you think you know how this story ends, do you?” asked Sirius.
Remus nodded and burped in a very genteel manner. “I’ve read Kafka. And anyhow, a good man is hard to find.”
“Very true. And it’s also true,” whispered Sirius, “that I may have been considering an arrangement of that nature.”
“Well, then, I accept.” Remus ran his tongue along his teeth to make sure there were no bits of Snape caught in his molars. Then he leaned in and kissed Sirius very, very carefully--after all, those teeth were sharp.
fic written for the Summary Suckathon
for this intentional bad fic summary by belovedsnail:
"Snape messes up the wolfsbain potion and Remus turns into a were-velociraptor.
hijinx ensue! Luckily Siruis comes back from behind teh veil with a degree
in paleontology. Is love in the air? R/R PLZ!~1"
Some of this came directly from The Metamorphosis: the opening
two paragraphs (with obvious changes) is the opening of The Metamorphosis.
The second paragraph is stolen from Kafka, too. Finally, The Metamorphosis
ends with Gregor's parents sizing up Gregor's sister and remarking to themselves
that she was pretty and would be ready for marriage soon. So that's where
that came from. And that's about it!
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