Category: Liz/Michael angst (Sorry! I'll try to be more cheerful. Sorry.)
Summary: Liz watches Michael. This fic is rather disturbing, so...yeah. It's disturbing. Beware.
Notes: Ya know, I realized I'd never written anything where Liz was the one in turmoil, or the one deliberately seeking out Michael. So here it is, and it's a sort of strange, fractured view.
Background Music: "Judith" by A Perfect Circle.
"You could be my unintended choice
to live my life extended
you should be the one I'll always love..."
*Muse*
Unintended
Do you see me, Michael?
I've been watching you for so long now. I'd think you would have noticed.
I keep wanting to say something. If I did, would you listen? Would you care? Feel the same way, even? I wish you would. Would you?
Can you hear me, Michael? Every time I see you, I shout your name. I scream it and cry it and still you don't listen. Why don't you listen?
I'm sorry, Michael. I don't mean to be so angry. I'm tired of you not knowing. How can you not know? I'm sorry, I'm doing it again. I don't mean to. I'm sorry.
It's just...you're with her, Michael. I know she loves you. And she's my best friend, I want her to be happy. But it seems the only way for her to be happy is to be with you, and that makes me miserable. So I'm just screwed, aren't I?
Why do you do this to me? I refuse to believe that you do some of these things you do without having some degree of feeling for me. That night at the Crashdown, when you gave me back my journal, there's no way you could have not felt it. I felt it, electricity swirling through my bones with your closeness. I couldn't sleep that night, Michael. I lay awake, staring at the ceiling and remembering how you towered above me and how I could feel the heat radiating off your skin. You had to have felt it. When I close my eyes sometimes, I can still feel it. You invaded my personal space that night, but more than that, you invaded my soul. And you've been there ever since.
I hate you, Michael. How could you make me feel this way and then not return it?
I hate you.
I hate you.
I love you.
Damn you, Michael. Why did you do this to me? Why?!
After Max was taken, you hugged me. I was sobbing and destroyed, and you were right there, with your arms open. For me. I knew it then, Michael. I knew it was more than some stupid school girl infatuation. You held me and I cried and I never wanted to let go, and that's when I knew. I knew that even though we had to break apart, I would never really let go. For months after, I would shiver, rubbing my arms and for just a moment feeling like I was there again, wrapped in yours. Then the feeling would pass, and I would feel so alone, even though I still felt you hovering like a phantom at the back of my mind. Threatening to surface again and remind me of what I didn't have.
Once in awhile, you'll catch me staring. I'll glance away, but you won't stop looking, and I'll blush and burn beneath your curious gaze. It's horrible and wonderful and sometimes, it's the only thing that gets me through the day. Do you understand that, Michael? You have power over me now. For all intents and purposes, I belong to you. Do you know that, Michael? Would you care if you did?
Then, for just a moment, I had hope. You were nice to me, really nice, and like a fool I questioned it. For that eternal minute and a half, I thought you really cared. I told you I "liked it" and you smirked and walked away. I didn't sleep for three days after. Did you mean what you said, Michael? Did you really care about how I was doing? Do you still care?
Do you know, Michael, that when Rath kissed me I thought it was you? Do you know that I wanted it to be? And when the others found out and you gave me that look. What did that look mean? For a split second, I thought it meant you were bothered, Michael. Did it bother you that he kissed me? Were you curious? Alarmed? Freaked?
Were you jealous? Were you?
I hope you were. But you couldn't be, because you have Maria. She's not right for you, Michael. She doesn't need you like I need you.
I need you, Michael. I love you.
Are you listening to me?
Can you see me here, standing at your window?
I'm right here, Michael.
I'm right here.
Michael!!!!!
The End
12-3-2000