Series: Harry Potter
Category: General
Rating: PG-13
Pairings: Implied Sirius/Remus and James/Lily
Warning: Angst, mild implications of slash
Author's Note: For some reason it's easy for me to write Peter-fic, and this idea came to me shortly after OotP when Marauder-dynamics got thoroughly defined. This was written before Half-Blooded Prince, so some things may mis-match.
Disclaimer: Harry Potter belongs to J. K Rowling. If I had written the series, Remus would never have left Hogwarts.
Archive: Abstract Reasoning.
Summary: Peter remembers.

Memory Walk

As his master cackles to himself, certain of his victory, Peter remembers:

First year. Back then, it wasn't hard for him to smile. So many wondered how he could be so happy all the time, especially that poor Remus Lupin, the lonely boy from the neighbour who wasn't so lonely anymore after he and Peter learnt to know each other better. Back then people didn't befriend him because of pity or because he happened to be close with someone important, but because they liked him, and Peter's heart was open and ready to love.

They went to the Hogwarts together, and in the train they met up with James Potter and Sirius Black. And while it was certain that those two could charm the entire world, Peter was nervous around them, for they were brash and aggressive and everything that Peter wasn't familiar with, so he was glad that he had quiet, gentle Remus by his side. Still, they became friends, all four of them, and although he noticed that Remus, always a sidekick until then, was far closer to James and Sirius than Peter was, he thought he could never be happier.

That year his laughter came naturally for the last time, for greatest tragedies are always bred by joy.

* * *

Peter tries to listen what his master says, but memories rush to him as a flood he cannot stop:

Second year. One night Remus came to him and asked if he could tell a secret, and soon Peter had the honor of being the first one to hear why Remus disappeared once in the month. Peter felt privileged, because he had never thought that anyone could trust him this much, and he swore to himself to protect Remus's secret no matter what.

That really turned out to be the wisest thing for him to do, at least in the beginning, because that year Sirius and James discovered that it was fun to tease that moody outcast of the Slytherins, Severus Snape, and although they still accepted both Peter and Remus around them, Peter couldn't help but fear. That was the last year when he feared more for someone else than for himself.

Because after Sirius and James discovered what he and Remus were so secretive about, Peter was shocked to realize that it was him who was in danger of getting on the wrong side of his friends.

* * *

That night Peter dreams not of blood and mayhem, but of his own past:

Third year. Peter learnt that as long as he kept Sirius and James in the good mood, he was safe. He no longer looked Snape in the eyes because he feared the dread he saw everytime he and his friends approached the other boy on the corridor. Remus said that there was no need for him to act something he wasn't because Sirius and James had chosen him as their friend in the first place, but Peter stopped believing that when Remus's smile turned colder and his eyes more malicious than kind. In autumn, Peter still smiled with ease. In spring, lines of fear and bitterness around his mouth made it difficult.

Peter survived, but not without wounds. For entire year, Remus blamed him for being distant and cold, but never cared enough to corner him and demand what was matter with him. He also rather sought Sirius's company than peter's.

It was his frustration that gave Peter enough power to change fully into a rat as Sirius and James watched him in awe. He had always been the slowest one to learn.

* * *

To Death Eaters it isn't a surprise that their lord isn't bothered by Dementors, but it confounds them that Peter isn't either. They never remember that of all of them, Peter has most to forget:

Fourth year. Early in autumn Peter saw Snape twisting a cat's neck which he recognized as the pet of a fellow Gryffindor, but never told anyone what he saw. Slytherins became suddenly interested with him as he started to study the Dark Arts with such determation that it scared his friends, and he comforted them by saying that he only wanted to succeed in defending himself against them.

What they didn't need to know that he was sick of them treating him like something inferior to him, a child, a pet, a shadow that lingers around even in darkness, that he wanted to be someone too, shine, glimmer, to be noticed, that he wanted to make sure that if they ever turned against him they would regret it dearly.

He still gasped at every single thing Sirius or James did, always a loyal servant, but once they turned their backs on him, he seethed with rage.

* * *

"Why so thoughtful, Pettigrew?" someone asks him, but he doesn't say a word:

Fifth year. Peter knew so much of Dark Arts that even Narcissa Black saw fit to ask him about them, to which Sirius responded by warning her to stay away from his friends. That surprised Peter. Could it be that Sirius The Marvellous considered Peter The Court Clown as his friend? Another big surprise that year was when he noticed that even after all the humiliations his friends forced Snape to go through, the Slytherin neither bent or broke. Instead, with every insult, flare of anger in Snape's dark eyes seemed to burn brighter. That angered Peter so much that he once even found pleasure from seeing Snape flinch when James and Sirius saw fit to approac him, before he remembered that he was just as much in danger as Snape was.

Once Remus got emotional and praised his three friends, even Peter, but his best friend was now Sirius.

He bowed and praised and hated, and there were days when he was so disgusted with himself that it became hard for him to eat, and still Sirius laughed: "If you keep eating up like that, Peter, you could save an entire world from starvation with your grease only!"

* * *

All this remembering is making Peter grind his teeth together, but he can no longer stop:

Sixth year. Lily Evans finally started to warm up to James, even if her green eyes were still hateful whenever she saw them, which meant easier time for Peter. Everyone still hated Snape, but Peter really couldn't care less because in darkness, those who were patient would be rewarded, and both he and Snape had been on their way to Hell for quite long time.

Somebody made up a rumor about Sirius and Remus kissing during a Quidditch-match and they did nothing to deny it.

"I have no friends", Peter said when James decided he shared too few of his thoughts with him, Remus and Sirius, and they fell in silence so heavy and uncomfortable that he almost started to worry until they dismissed it as grumpiness.

* * *

"Is there something the matter, Peter?"

And Peter thinks:

Seventh year. Peter was glad that the nightmare would finally end, although he made sure his friends had no idea that he felt so. Sirius and James made sure that they would be forever remembered as the amazingly charming and succesful duo, with their light shining on Remus an Peter as well, especially on Remus because girls secretly liked the quiet ones. That year Peter felt heartache for the last time as he saw Remus and Sirius holding hands for one quick, but by no means meaningless, moment, and it was the sight of Lily Evans in James's arms that should have hurt him more.

As they left Hogwarts behind for good, Sirius had suddenly grabbed Peter's shoulder, turning him gently around to face him and James, Remus and Lily who all looked at him with worry. "You don't need to pretend around us, hear me?" Peter noticed then that his eyes were moist, but he couldn't remember if he had anything to cry for. "We're your friends right."

At that moment he realized that the reason they had never asked if there was anything wrong wasn't that they hadn't cared enough, but because he really had been that much of a good actor. So he cried against Sirius's shoulder, and Sirius didn't push him away.

"No."

Peter stares at his silvery hand and he no longer can make himself feel.

26. December 2005